Brown Butter Rum Cheesecake & The Grocery Store Informant

brown butter rum cheesecake

Why aren’t blocks of brown butter available at the grocery store? How soon before someone takes my idea, starts selling it and makes millions?

Watch my arch nemesis Martha Stewart do it just to spite me. Bitch.

Everyone’s so damn lazy too that brown butter sold in the grocery store would actually sell. Another brilliant idea I missed out on.

Actually, I just Yahooed it and you can buy brown butter. An 8oz jar will run you $12.

Or you can buy a pound of butter for $5 and do it your damn self.

Clearly people are lazy and buying it because these people are still in business.

Yankee Candle should come out with a brown butter candle. Another genius idea I won’t make money on. I’m making the world rich.

brown butter rum cheesecake

I was at the grocery store doing my grocery shopping. That’s where I do most my grocery shopping. Standing there, minding my own business, seeing what looked good, and by good I mean on sale.

When this lady comes up next to me and just starts depleting the shelf of maple sausages. She was grabbing one after the other and tossing them into her other arm as if she was in a race. I don’t judge but clearly she saw my side eye.

“I just love these maple sausages!” She blurts out.

“Anything maples a winner in my book” I assured her in my nonjudgmental tone.

We got to talking because who doesn’t love maple anything so clearly we had a connection. She told me she was originally from Greece, lived in London for a while and has been in New York for almost 5 years.

I told her about myself, being from Ohio, socially awkward, grew up without many friends, fat and of course my killer blog. Can’t forget that.

We talked about New York and getting along living in this crazy city.

When mid sentence she scoops up all the maple sausages, throws them back on the shelf and raises her finger to my face, “Don’t… trust… anyone!” she says in a strong authoritative tone.

Grabs her cart, spins around and takes off.

I stood there shocked for a minute. Then I started thinking about the crazy people in this city, my criminal coworkers, the shit I’ve seen on the train, the landlord I dealt with.

I thought, “This bitch has every right to be paranoid. But why did she feel like she needed to tell me this?”

There’s very few people I trust in my life and I sure as hell don’t trust a soul in this city. I can count on three fingers the actual amount of people I trust. And not one of them is even my own mother.

As I continued shopping I was diligently looking for this woman. She made me nervous.

But who was this lady? Who sent her? What does she know? Does she read my blog? She better now that I’ve told her about it.

Most importantly… Why did she put the maple sausages back? Those things are fucking delicious.

I never found the woman and I’ve never seen her in that grocery store again. This kinda stuff will bother me until I die because I’ll never get to hear what she thinks about my blog.

I’m currently on a brown butter kick because I think brown butter makes pastry taste so much more magical. Breads, cakes, muffins and now cheesecakes.

Brown butter gives off this characteristic of a deep nutty richness that tastes so damn good. And it has such a great aroma. Seriously, they should make a candle with it’s scent.

You could just cook up brown butter at home to have a tub on the counter like I do, ready at a moments notice. The smell filling your home, masking the smell of the litter box and laundry.

Now, imagine that rich nuttiness with a good dark rum. Huh? Sounds quite appetizing right about now doesn’t it?

I think you’ll love it.

To the grocery store informant. Thank you for your concern about my well being and safety. I’m sure we’ll meet up again one day and I’ll be the one to save your life.

“A truly good man is not aware of his goodness and is therefore good. A foolish man tries to be good and is therefore not good” – Tao 


brown butter rum cheesecake

Brown Butter Rum Cheesecake 


Makes 1 – 8 inch cheesecake

Butter and line your cake pan with parchment paper.

**If you don’t have a tub of brown butter ready to go. Cook 2 sticks of butter (226g) to brown butter and set aside. 

Have your oven ready at 275 degrees

For the Crust

150g. Vanilla wafers (you can use graham crackers as well)
30g. Sugar
55g. Brown butter

-combine all in a food processor and mix until combined and no large cracker pieces.
-The mix should resemble wet sand. Like when you were a kid and used to pee in the sandbox.

Press this mixture evenly into your cake pan.
Bake in the 275 degree oven for 5-7 minutes.

(I personally don’t like spring form pans. I think they’re dumb. But if that’s what you’re using. Just make sure you wrap aluminum foil around the outside so no water from the water bath gets inside.)

Brown Butter Rum Cheesecake

452g. Cream cheese (2 – 8oz blocks)
100g. Brown butter
100g. Dark Rum (I used Brugal)
5g vanilla extract
100g. Brown sugar
2 ct. eggs

-cream together the cream cheese, brown butter, brown sugar until you get a smooth mix. No cheese lumps.
-add your eggs and mix to combine and you don’t see any egg
-add your rum and vanilla last. Mix to combine.

Pour into your cake pan and bake at 275 degrees in a water bath for one hour. Turn off the oven and crack the oven door. Let sit for at least 30 minutes.

Freeze overnight. The next day run the pan under hot water and pop out. Enjoy!!!

brown butter rum cheesecake brown butter rum cheesecake


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