Miscellany
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How Love really messed me up.

A little while ago, I started having these weird thoughts and sensations.  My friends told me these are called “Feelings”.  I had no idea.  Completely foreign to me. 

I’ve always been what my friends called, “cold” or “heartless”.  I’m what I would call myself, “aware”.

Before going to the doctor, because I’m a hypochondriac, my friends filled me in to what they believed was wrong with me.

Love.

“Love is life.  And if you miss love, you miss life.” – Leo Buscaglia

Again, completely foreign to me.  I looked into it and did research, which I don’t normally ever do.  I’m more opinion based in my writing.

Love is one of those rare things you find in life.  If you’re lucky.  Some would say unlucky.

It sucks because it messes with your head.  You start to put your hopes and dreams aside for this person and build new ones together.  They’re on your mind repeatedly like an annoying song.  And you love it.  Go figure.

It’s someone who drives you nuts to the point you want to kill them like you fantasize about doing to your coworkers.  You don’t kill them because unlike your coworkers, deep down you actually like this person.

This is what love is all about.

You get in an argument and tell them to “Fuck off!!”  Hop in the car and take off. Circle the block, all pissed off, come back around, open the door and say “Get in”.

Damn it!

That person you are trying to escape is the same person you’re missing.  I know, it doesn’t make a bit of sense.  Welcome to love.

I started to worry.  I started to care.  I’ve never worried or cared about anyone.  Ok, maybe dogs but that’s about it.  I don’t even care or worry about myself.

I’m a horrible driver but never thought anything of it.  Now, I get in the car and I feel I have someone to protect.  I’m buying food and clothes for someone else. I buy flowers now.  Who knew that shit would ever happen? Unconsciously.  I just do it.

What is this love thing and why is it so sick and twisted?

It makes you feel like you’re going to live forever.  At the same time, it terrifies you that you might be ripped from each others life early.

They make you feel like the perfect person at the same time that they point out your flaws.  They build you up and tear you down.  You come out the other side a new person that you’re content with.

They are that friend in the group that you all make fun of because they’re a mess. That friend that gets invited and everyone says, “Goddamn it! No”.  But you love their mess and their glory.

They are a nonstop battle in your mind.  You’ll wonder why you got in a relationship.  You used to be free and come and go as you pleased.  Then one day you’ll be drinking beers by yourself and say, “Man, I wish they were here”.

They will celebrate you, make fun of you, encourage you, protect you, knock you down, pick you up, hate you for the exact same reasons you hate them.  And they will love you anyway.  Just like you do them.

Man, love is really messed up.  And we love it.

As if this brain of mine doesn’t already have disturbing and conflicting thoughts.

Love really messed me up.  Maybe more.

If so, God help us all.

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