Food

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Remember last week we made the jelly roll sponge?  Hopefully you tried it and perfected it this weekend.  Because here is the cake I promised you.  The cinnamon roll cake.  Now you got something to work on this weekend.  

At work on the weekend we always have these cinnamon rolls laying around.  As I am, I hate to throw food away and was driving myself batshit crazy thinking what I could do with them.  Besides eating them with a gallon of coffee.  That got old real fast, let me tell you.  Yet I still do it from time to time.

This is the cake, if you read the jelly roll sponge post, that you will take to family functions to throw in the face of Uncle Darryl and his pumpkin spice roll.  I only hate him and his spice roll because he won’t share the recipe.  Yes, I’m bitter and spiteful.  It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.

The cinnamon roll cake isn’t as hard to do as it looks.  I promise.  Making the sponge will take the longest.  After that, you’re in the clear.  It’s a cake that when you make it at first you’ll wonder why.  Maybe you’ll event think big deal.  Once you taste it the next day with a cup of coffee, you’ll be glad you did it.  If not visually cool to look at, when you have it with that cup of coffee or milk, it was all worth it.  If you’re not happy with it, either you screwed up somewhere or you’re just an unhappy bastard anyway and nothing you make or do is going to make you happy.  Give up now.

Let’s get started because I have a feeling trying to explain this is going to take a while.

“Your wealth is hiding under the very thing you are afraid to do. It’s time to face your fears and take action.”

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First, make your jelly roll sponge. 

It wouldn’t hurt to make this a day ahead or maybe an hour.  You definitely need to let it cool a bit.

Now, once the jelly roll is out of the oven and cooling you can start on your cinnamon bun filling.

What you’ll need:

1 – 6 pack package of cinnamon rolls
145g  whole milk

-put your six cinnamon rolls in a food processor
-warm up your milk.  Put it in a microwave or bring it to a simmer in a pot. Don’t care how you do it.  Just get it done.
-turn on your food processor and start streaming in your warm milk.

Depending on the type of cinnamon buns you’re using this might take more or less milk.  If you went to el cheapo route and bought some garbage cinnamon rolls, say from a box, you won’t need as much milk.  If you have some really good genuine rolls from a  bakery you may need a little more milk.  Adjust accordingly.  You want to stream enough milk in the make the cinnamon buns smooth and spreadable.  Not so smooth that it’s going to ooze out of the cake though.  Careful.

Is your cake cool enough?  If it is pull it out of the pan and lay it on a clean piece of parchment paper.  Or your counter, I don’t have to clean up after I don’t care what you do.  Cut it down the center, long ways.  Then cut the other two strips down the center long ways as well.  That should give you four long strips if my math is correct.  Not my strong point.

Do you have four strips of cake?  Good.  Take your cinnamon bun puree type mixture from your food processor and spread it evenly across your four strips of cake.  Be gentle yet stern.  You’re a confident baker.  Always pretend you know what you’re doing.

OK, once you have spread the filling across the cake it’s time to roll it up.  This part is a pain in the ass.  I said baking the cake would take the longest, not the easiest.  Careful what you heard.  That’s how rumors get started.

With the first strip, you’re going to roll it as you would a normal jelly roll cake.  Except you’re rolling it the long way.  You’re building.  Roll the long strip into a small looking cinnamon roll.  Once you have that.  Place that on top of the next roll.  Roll the next strip along with the little roll that you have.  Jesus, I hope this is making sense.  I should have made a video instead.  OK, continue to roll each strip with each additional roll that you have and it will come out to a giant looking cinnamon roll.  Place your giant cinnamon roll on a cake board or stand or plate or whatever you have.

For the cinnamon roll glaze:

185g       powdered sugar
40g         water

-combine and drizzle over your cinnamon roll cake

The cake at first will look a bit like a disaster.  Don’t stress.  Let it sit for an hour and it will settle.  The glaze will absorb a bit into the cake. You’ll see more of the cinnamon filling coming out.  It will look more and more like a cinnamon roll as it sits.  Be proud of yourself if you pulled it off. I can’t tell you how many curse words and things got thrown around my apartment trying to make this thing the first coupe times.  I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police about a domestic abuse problem when they heard me shout “I don’t give a fuck about you anymore. I don’t need you in my life.  Go ahead fall apart I don’t give a fuck.  You’re lucky I don’t throw you out the fucking window!!”  It’s New York, nothing they hadn’t heard before.

This cake is a change and a good change from your standard coffee cake.  I love this cake while watching blooper videos while having my cup of coffee in the morning.  I love seeing people fall and hurt themselves.

Have a great weekend everybody!
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