The Human Reality Department

I personally have never been a fan of the Human Resources Department.  I understand why they exist and I am certainly glad they are there.  I do not, however, think they are there to be our parents and if they are there to be our parents then they should really be parents.  Break it down for people.  Let them know what kind of worker and person they really are.  Too much of this political correctedness.  “Hey James, you’re worthless and no one likes you.  Let’s work on that, OK?”  It’s harsh but it’s honest.  We aren’t kids anymore.  We know the harsh realities of life.  We know why someone doesn’t like us and doesn’t want to share with us.  We’re assholes.  Instead of Human Resources going after the bad guy they should be like your mom.  “Karen doesn’t like me!!”.  Human Resources, as a mom, should say, “What did you do to her?”.  NOT..”Well, we’ll talk to Karen.  This isn’t right”.  Not only that, it’s always the same person in HR complaining about something.  That’s when HR, as a mom, should look at this loser and say, “You’re a tattle tale, maybe that’s why she doesn’t like you.  That’s why I don’t like you”.

This is why I think The Human Resources Department should be called The Human Reality Department.  Anytime you’re feeling on top of the world while working your menial job.  Just stop into The Human Reality Department and they will give you harsh reality of life and work.  They will tell you like it is and you won’t like it but hey, tough shit.

A true story.  Names have been changed to protect the pathetic.

Recently at work some coworkers had a falling out that involved some words between the two of them and they took each other to Human Resources.  I was baffled as to why because had it been me, I would have been embarrassed to go to HR. I was even more baffle by the outcome because I don’t understand why HR coddles adults like children.  If you and I were to have a falling out or a little argument, then we shall take care of it or just go our separate ways.  Not these two.  Nope.  They charged into HR and wanted HR to do something about how big of losers they both are.

Let’s say I’m the Director of The Human Reality Department.  This is how I would have handled the situation.

HR:  Judy, Brad said you called him a fag?
Judy:  *head down* yeah, I did.
HR:  Brad, you are a fag, right?
Brad: Yeah, but…
HR:  Shut it….Brad, you called Judy a fat pig?
Brad:  *lowers head* yeah, I did.
HR:  Judy, are you not a fat pig?
Judy:  Yeah, but…
HR: shut it….Damn!  So what’s the problem?  Why don’t you two grow the hell up?  I got documents, payroll and retirement shit to fill out and I got two 40 some year old’s in here crying like children, calling each other names.  If you don’t like each other, ignore each other.  You’re coworkers, not friends.  Do your job and move on.  You should be embarrassed.

End of story.  As an HR Director how do you handle this without laughing?  Two grown people taking each other to HR over name calling?  You comfort each of them and tell them they’re both great and hard workers, even though they’re not.  Tell them they’re both not what each other called them, even though they are.

I just think HR should be more honest and real, that’s all.  Nothing hurts you and makes you grow more than the truth.  Sometimes we need to hear this.  No Judy, you’re not fat.  Yes, yes she is.   She was out of breath when she walked in the meeting and she even took the elevator.  Brad shares his list of guys he’d like to blow at work with everyone.  Let’s be honest here people.  Let’s not hide who we really are.  There’s a great restaurant in Hells Kitchen.  Judy and Brad should go there.  Judy can eat and Brad can watch the boys.  Judy and Brad could be the best of friends.  The funny thing about Judy and Brad?  They are the best of friends now and they love nothing more than gossiping and eating.  Shocker!  So, why all the HR nonsense?   I think they just needed attention honestly.  Deep down they really loved one another and like children called each other names because they couldn’t just come out and say “Hey, wanna be friends?”.

Human Resources is also the place you can pop into and ask about your retirement.   They will pat you on the shoulder and tell you that you will retire comfortably with the minimal amount you’re paying into your 401(k).  Wrong.  The Human Reality Department will let you know if you keep calling out and spending your money on stupid shit you’re probably going to be working well into retirement.  Actually, you’ll be working until you die at your rate of stupidity.

Human Resources always has training classes on better serving our guests and proper ways of communicating with guests.  Yet there is no class or training on how to work with your asshole coworkers.  If you hate yourself, your job and your life, well that will reflect on everything you do.  If coworkers hate one another, work isn’t getting done properly and no one is communicating.  I can’t stand 90% of the people I work with but it’s a job.  If you’re bad to me, I’m going to bad to you.  If you’re cool, I’m cool.  We don’t have to hang out, we don’t have to swap stories.  Let’s do our jobs and be on our merry way.

The Human Reality Department will have training classes on working with troublesome coworkers.  If a guest needs something that requires me asking my coworker Toby and lets say Toby hates my guts.  Well, that guest isn’t getting what he requested out of Toby’s hatred for me.  This isn’t good and reflects on the whole company and myself as being incompetent because Toby’s a dick.   In Human Reality training they will train you to work with dickhead Toby.  They will teach Toby that it’s not personal, your doing YOUR job for the guest NOT for your coworker.  So do it, get paid and shut up.  Not do it, get fired and fuck off.  Your choice Toby.


Coworker 1:  Hey, the coolers are down.  Can you send engineering to fix them?
Coworker 2:  I hate this guy and I think I’m a Diva.  I’m not sending engineering to fix the coolers.

Coworker 2 is thinking:  I’m really screwing this guy over and hurting him by not sending engineering.  This is where The Human Reality Department will let coworker 2 know what’s really happening by him acting like a dick.  The coworker 1 you think you’re screwing over is still getting paid and going about his day.  What’s really happening is by coworker 2 not notifying engineering is food will spoil, costing the company money and people are getting laid off.   Bravo dick!  Bravo!

The Human Reality Department I think is genius, personally.  We are way too sensitive to people anymore.  The animals I have encountered as coworkers.  I have no words.  If this is the direction of the workforce and this country.  We are screwed big time.  Don’t tell someone they’re a nice guy when they’re a dick.   That’s rewarding bad behavior.  He’s going to think that his behavior is acceptable.  No, no it’s not.  If you don’t let him know why no one likes him he will wonder the rest of his life.  Can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong.

I think I’ll drop this idea in the General Managers mailbox tomorrow.

This is how The Human Reality Department will look at you when they break the news to you about your behavior

This is how The Human Reality Department will look at you when they break the news to you about your behavior