Fuck off and Pie – The Apple Pie that says what you really mean

I’m not a huge fan of apple pie but I read an article a while back about making the perfect apple pie. How long has apple pie been around and every year there is an article in a magazine on making the perfect one?

For me it’s like those health magazines that tell you how to get the perfect six pack abs. Then in next months magazine there is another article on how to get the perfect six pack abs. What the hell happened last month? You didn’t do enough research? Are you going to recall last months magazine? If I were to try those exercises, key word being if, am I going to hurt myself? What will happen? It’s best not to try. I don’t want to hurt myself.

Cooking magazines are pretty similar if not exactly like those health magazines. Every fall guess what’s on the cover? Yup, pumpkin pie recipes. Every year they tell you how to make the best pumpkin pie and every year it tastes like last years pumpkin pie. You know why? Because it’s a classic and if you change classics people cry.

People don’t like change unless it benefits them. One of the many things I’ve learned in life. Which ties directly into, people are assholes. Another thing I’ve learned in life.

I thought their theory on the “perfect” apple pie made sense though so I wanted to give it a try for myself. Conclusion: they were right. I have always diced my apples and thrown them into the pie, which gives the pie an ugly chunky look. Also if your pieces of apple aren’t uniform chunks, your apples may not cook evenly. Cutting a chunky pie too, forget about it, you’ll be cursing like a sailor. It makes complete sense to slice the apples thin to give you a flat pie, everything is in it’s place so you don’t have as many gaps and the apples cook perfectly evenly. Also it’s great for writing on top. It cuts a lot better too. I’ll be damned! I guess that article was right, this is the perfect apple pie. No need for apple pie articles next year. Let’s move on.

For the pie dough…

Pie Dough

200g cold water
400g unsalted butter, small pieces
600g flour

-combine flour and butter and smash between your hands until it’s fine and crumbly
-add your water and combine until a soft dough forms
-pie dough is a staple and you should know how to make it by now
-wrap in plastic wrap and put in the fridge for at least 2 hours

Apple Pie Filling

4 Honey Crisp Apples (my new favorite apple)
3/4c sugar
2Tbsp cornstarch
1tsp vanilla extract
1/2tsp salt
1tsp apple pie spice
1/4tsp Chinese five spice
2Tbsp melted butter
juice from half a lemon

-slice your apples in thin slices, I don’t peel them. You can if you want I prefer not too.
-throw all the slices in a bowl
-measure out all your ingredients and throw it the bowl with the apples, toss everything together so the apples get a good coat of everything on them and throw it all in your pie shell
-I’m not going into detail about rolling out the pie dough. Rolling out pie dough is Baking 101 for crying out loud. You’re smarter than that.

I use Chinese Five Spice because I want to be ahead of the game for when China owns us and the Chinese flag is on top of the White House. Maybe then I can patent the Apple Pie and own America’s new slogan “As Chimerica as apple pie!”. I’m not joking of course, I use the Chinese Five Spice because I think the anise and fennel go great with apple. I think this apple pie will be in next years magazine as the “perfect apple pie” so now you’re ahead of the game. You know you’re time here is never wasted.

Enjoy all and have a great week!!


“The world is changed by example, not opinion.”

-who said it?